Easy doesn’t define my days. Childhood prepared me to face life as a battleground, ready for further wounding and pain.
As I wrote in a poem called ‘Childhood blues’ –
“I’ve lived a closed and covert life
where shame sat on the doormat
where secrets and lies abide
alongside acid anger flaring
fast as a match to light
yet another cigarette
to sour a fog-hazed atmosphere
you could cut with a knife..”
And the pain came, emotionally at first then extending to the physical, making living and loving challenging.
But it’s hard most days. There are large hurdles to overcome as I trip and stumble my way through this world.
Life bites back with insecurity when you’ve grown up feeling unloved and experienced childhood abuse.
If I surrender more to God’s work in me, if I learn to receive and give love fully to others, then maybe I’ll start to rest more secure and serene in His current of grace and let it run through me so that it can refresh others.
How easy is that going to be? I wish I knew, because I’ve already spent a lifetime dragged toward the negative due to flawed early patterning weaving itself into my tender child-mind.
I long to become fully released, healed and whole from the inside out and that takes time and so much grace.
My pen falters as I try to write these things because I’m reacting inwardly to a word in a way I don’t want to.
Sadness so often sits heavy with me unless I fight hard against it, and oh how I do!
But it’s not easy...I plumb the depths of my insecure soul, seeking for some solace, a crumb of comfort to offer another, hoping they will see how God’s grace meets us right where we’re at.
Sharing truth means allowing ourselves be open and real, even when we long to have a different story to tell.
Today I’ve lost track of time, veered down painful places in my memories. It’s a post I hesitated to press ‘publish’ on, but I offer my brokenness and vulnerability to help you know you’re not alone with your struggles.
Also with Barbie and Carrie at their beautiful new blog ‘Let Us Walk Worthy’, for the link up, ‘Let us Grow’ as we share what God is teaching us. It seems He’s revealing my need to keep seeking out His joy like gold nuggets glittering in a muddy field, to not give up writing even when it tends toward the negative, to keep on discovering grace in life’s hard places.
**The poem excerpt quoted above is from my book, ‘Seeking Solace: discovering grace in life’s hard places’ which is a semi-memoir looking at love, life, loss and faith. It’s currently available as a Kindle book on amazon. To access it on the UK site, please click the link on the sidebar of the blog. A paper copy will be available soon.**