My life is in transition. I’m at an in-between phase and stage. Walls are crumbling, rocked by Holy Spirit winds and fanned by the flame of God’s word. I can no longer cling to familiar. All feels uncertain. Days of being locked up in a tight cocoon are ending. Release is coming. Something new is being birthed. And any birth is painful. New life stretches us.
We know not what waits on the other side of the labour we are in. Fear seizes our throats and paralyses our steps. Those dry, arid places are being flooded by a water of grace. A healing river to wash clean, revive and restore.
Yet we cling to what we know, stubborn as stains have clung to our souls and soaked into the fabric of our very being. They feel part of who we are.
But God says, “Come. Trust Me.” As we cease our protests and resist pulling away, it soon becomes clear that co-operation is called for.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland” ~ Isaiah 43:19
This new thing won’t birth itself. The old skin won’t shed without our pushing against it. And we can’t float free as butterfly when our soul weighs heavy.
Such is the position I am in and it’s taking so much energy from me. I am at the point of processing the changes taking place.
I’m still wary, still worn out from my struggles, still not through the other side or quite ready to share what is happening. I hope to be able to do so soon as God leads me. For a new birth is also great cause for rejoicing and transition is a temporary stage of it.
Emotional pains, wrangling and change have provoked greater physical weakness in me too as the M.E symptoms flare strong under stress. I didn’t feel like I had a clear thought in my head this morning as most of it was spent in bed.
Then God gifted me with these unpolished, imperfect words in a poem, asking that I share the present pain in order to eventually share the strength and momentum gained in time to come. It’s written in support of all M.E sufferers who may be in a dry and difficult place right now. We have great hope of seeing change as we live the in-between life of sickness and pain with promise of healing to come.
A life obscured
I have a mind made foggy by M.E. Mists swirl and cloud around my brain
parting briefly to reveal a glimpse of someone switched on, with-it and urbane.
Some days the clouds hang heavy, low, suffocating clarity of thought and meaning.
Other days they shift and a dazzling rainbow of ideas, expression and creativity break free.
When thoughts are obscured by an M.E fog it’s like wading through treacle in my head
sinking deep in mud and treacherous bog as I strive to retrieve words sitting stiff as lead.
Wanting so much to be clear in my mind yet dredging hard in sludge for a hidden pearl
of wisdom, or words of any kind floating in the ether, out of reach in the swirl.
It’s clutching at straws, grabbing at air, fatigue sitting dense, heavy and still
so body and mind can’t get anywhere despite an extreme effort of will.
Held fast by exhaustion profound it affects every cell, every thought, every limb,
heightening sensitivity to light and sound as muscles ache deep and mind swims.
Eyes blur and ache with effort to read all out of focus, concentration shot
on a go-slow, nothing done at speed, body feverish blowing cold then hot.
A desperate need for rest and peace with communication shut down
requiring silence, dark and ease to avoid total burnout or meltdown.
Struggling through this latest trial with symptoms strong, intrusive,
knowing it could be a while when real improvement seems elusive.
Trusting in God’s grace to sustain and see me through
resting in His loving embrace, peace and hope in His word coming true.
“We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly as he knows us” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:12
I normally participate in Five Minute Friday, but my brain wasn’t up to the challenge today. God had other ideas for me. Hopefully, normal service will be resumed soon! 🙂
Love your heart, Joy…even in the midst of trial your words point to hope! "And we can't float free as butterfly when our soul weighs heavy." Love that line.
Thank you so much, Eileen, for stopping by and seeing hope in the midst of the pain. This wasn't an easy post to write as it depicts a struggle more than a resolution. My aim is to encourage but I also try to sympathise and empathise with those who are going through tough times. I really appreciate your sweet comment. Bless you.
Although we both have inspirational websites meant to encourage others, sometimes we just have to let loose what we are really dealing with inside! I have found that sometimes revealing these things can be good as others may find comfort to know that they are not alone in what they are dealing with. I think it can be a testimony as to strength of the spirit and who we rely on as well. I am sorry you are going through this bad season. It sounds horribly annoying to deal with and I do understand being stuck in that place of just having to wait until you feel better again. I wish you much love during this difficult time. I am sure times like this are lonely times as well. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers and that I am there with you in spirit-cheering you on!
Oh how I needed to read this. Thank you so much, Rebekah, for understanding and supporting. Yes, it is an uncomfortable place to be in and I'd give anything to be elsewhere. But, "sometimes we just have to let loose what we are really dealing with inside!" Amen. I only hope that others can read and see that they are not alone in their struggles.Your kind words have refreshed and ministered to my spirit. Bless you, my friend. I really value your prayers and the cheering on! xx