Appearances can be deceptive. From the outside our lives and loves can look blissful, but inside they may be slowly dying. To love is to live as God intended. Love can bring us the deepest joy or most searing pain – sometimes both together.
The lyrics below show how fragile love can be and how easily hurt or harmed by a careless word or gesture.
They are taken from a song entitled:‘You always hurt the one you love’ (written by Allen Roberts, music by Doris Fisher). You can click on the link above to hear Michael Buble’s version.
“You always hurt the one you love, 
The one you shouldn’t hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
and crush it till the petals fall”
Outwardly, my husband could be viewed as a weak, indecisive, fear-filled man. After experiencing several serious losses throughout his life and a complete mental health breakdown 8 years ago, you could say the description holds true.
However, if they could know and see him as I do then they would be viewing someone who exemplifies the patiently persevering, enduring, faithful, self-sacrificing, lavish, grace-filled love of Jesus to me better than anyone I know.
He has laid down his life and carried a heavy cross for the last 30 + years. Now his whole frame buckles under the weight of it, with a heart that feels crushed and torn. His lot is the heart-sick burden of hope deferred beyond endurance – and I am largely the cause of it.
This wonderful man, I call The Philosopher – for such is his propensity to deeply ponder life’s great truths – is looking to me to mend that breaking heart, pour love back into it and restore what was lost.
His dearest wish is for me to supply those things. No matter how much I love him (and I do – desperately), my ability to return his love is greatly impaired and has been for many years. It’s breaking my own heart too.
We didn’t go into this marriage blind. His eyes were open to the fact that I came with a lot of baggage. In fact, I had so much of it that I really needed a large trailer to put it in – and we’re not talking about clothes here.
I was a wounded young woman who had already experienced life’s dark side: product of an affair, an unwanted baby, a childhood emotional and sexual abuse sufferer from a broken home.
Though my fragility and instability were drawn like a moth to the flame of God’s love in Christ as I accepted His invitation to salvation at the age of 17. God was first in my life and my husband-to-be a close second. The shadows of my past were safely locked away in a box marked ‘No Access’ and I lived briefly and gloriously with freedom, love and laughter – in blissful ignorance of what was to come.
My father died 2 months before our wedding day.  I became a complete wreck, suffering a nervous breakdown that tested The Philosopher’s love and faithfulness to the extreme. My personality and relationship splintered into tiny fragments which took years to piece together again. 

I am sharing my story because it refuses to be silenced and is currently impacting my life in a big way. Too much gets swallowed down or left ignored. Too many Christians believe the lie that they have to have-it all-together, or at least look like they do.

Wounds unhealed only fester beneath the surface. Sometimes what we want to write and say conflicts with the story unique to us. This is part of who I am, my story and my life. We are still living with the consequences of it.

I’m in pursuit of my God-sized dream. But before I can embrace the new, God has to gently tear down what is preventing me moving forward. You can’t build strong with a weak foundation. 

I’m partnering with God in the process that will “rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated” ~ (Isaiah 61:4) so that I can be part of His great promise:

“Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs” ~ Isaiah 61:7

Meanwhile, we seek to live and love as openly and freely as we are capable of, knowing only God can love us perfectly. He enables and equips us to love others better when we surrender to His ways.

A Prayer:
We come to you as we are, as You bid us to come
No pretence. No false illusions.
We are needy people
who desire above all to know You
right here in the messiness of our lives.
It can feel and be so overwhelming at times
as the chains of the past hold us captive,
the pain of the present can blind us to Your Presence.
Come into the darkness of our hearts, lives and situations
Bring Your hope, healing, grace and mercy
Restore what is lost
Deliver us from discouragement and despair
Flood us with light and love
Encourage our hearts
Equip us to change
Make us new

May you know His abiding Presence and peace in all circumstances and continue to pursue His best for your lives.