Hope your week is going according to plan. I find very little does in my world.
For instance, this blog entry was going to be a time for sharing autumnal thoughts – a nice, light, poetic break from the rather heavy issues I seem to have been covering recently.
Then something intruded on my thoughts and plans.
An unwelcome shadow cast itself over my week
And that shadow came from me. It was:
A painful jolt.
Begging to be noticed.
A blast from the past.
Impossible to ignore.
So what could I do except try to write about it? Well, maybe…
Read the bible.
Speak to someone.
Turn the thoughts into words – a poem perhaps.
Believe me, I have tried them all and found a degree of release and help in each. Now I am sharing some of my story here in the hope that someone can relate to it and be helped too.
Emotional pain, like any other, requires a trigger. All it takes is: A sight, a sound, a smell, a remembrance. Once triggered, it pops up genie-like to seek instruction.
For many years I have wrestled with painful issues from my past – a dysfunctional family, childhood abuse, complete mental health breakdown and other losses along the way.
I know that events from the past can cast a long shadow and are never that far away.
When they surface it hits me with a sharp pang of remembrance. They seemed dead and buried. Counselling and therapy had their natural end. Closure was secured. Healing had come. Or so I thought. My life has moved on – hasn’t it?
Yet scars remain and may always do so to some extent, even when the wounds heal over.
You cannot see them on the surface but those who know me best are aware they are there.
I am free from the severity of their wounding, though still vulnerable to attacks that come from nowhere and leave me feeling wretched and drained, surprised all over again at the vehemence of the feelings that ensue.
Most of the time I can live heedless of their presence, with my memories- like those of most – tinged with pleasure and nostalgia instead of anxiety, fear and pain.
I am only offering a tiny glimpse of my shadow self here – a peek behind the curtains to the inner sanctum. In time I hope to have the courage to share my story further if that is what I need to do. Sometimes that feels like a step too far. Can’t I just draw the curtain, bolt the door and let it return to the recesses of my mind?
The genie may refuse to go back in the bottle though and make me its slave instead of letting me be the master.
The main lesson I have learnt as a Christian through my years of emotional, spiritual and physical pain is that I am on a continual healing journey towards change, transformation, restoration and renewal.
Today, I seek to connect with those who are hurting. Another day I will share more of my story with emphasis on the way God is bringing His light, hope, help and healing to bear on my life.
“Blessings alone do not open our eyes. Indeed, blessings by themselves tend to close our eyes. We do not come to know Him in the blessing, but in the breaking” ~ Chip Brogden
The poem below speaks of this shadow side infiltrating my mind.
What helps or hinders that process?